I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
If I die, sorry about rent.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
