Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize