Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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