You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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