Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
send nudes
from the living room?
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