he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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