Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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