And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
