The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
COCAINE IS GR8
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