Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
