dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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