sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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