I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I have fence marks all over my body
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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