The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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