My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
