Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
