last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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