she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
