I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
