he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
