Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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