Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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