I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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