Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
