hotel room ftw
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
