White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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