OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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