What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
