I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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