I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
