Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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