my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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