Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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