i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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