Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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