Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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