I faked an abortion last night.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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