We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
