I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
