My liver just broke up with me...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize