you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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