Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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