I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
should my penis look like a turkey
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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