I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
