Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize