i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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