did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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