I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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