The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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