no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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