I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
