The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize