I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
