last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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