Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
