I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize