i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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