I'm so fucking centered right now
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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