dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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