So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
this is an emotional support booty call
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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