can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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