He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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